


Your Love, Your Love, Your Love Is My Drug

by kinoface



Category: Arashi (Band), Japanese Actor RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward First Times, Bathroom Sex, Blow Jobs, Casual Sex, Communication Failure, Community: je_fqfest, Counter Sex, Cunnilingus, Dirty Talk, Double Vaginal Penetration, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Fantasizing, Fingerfucking, Hair Kink, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Makeup Sex, Masturbation, Morning After, Multi, Oral Sex, Service Kink, Threesome - F/M/M, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 09:08:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinoface/pseuds/kinoface
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jun is playing games with Sho when someone new pops up on his radar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Love, Your Love, Your Love Is My Drug

**Author's Note:**

  * For [astrangerenters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangerenters/gifts).



> Originally posted [here](http://je-fqfest.livejournal.com/52878.html) for JE FQ-Fest 2013!
> 
> What a labor of love this was. ♥ Thanks to the following people: Jamie for being such a great person to write for, Brina the mod for being patient, Phrenk for being great AND patient AND an amazing beta, Ke$ha for providing lyrical inspiration, and everyone I cried to about this who offered encouragement and support.

A comprehensive list of the times Matsumoto Jun has been seduced by Sakurai Sho:

1\. When Jun was sixteen and receiving tutoring and knew the material but failed half his exams anyway, because all he could concentrate on was the spicy, intoxicating scent of Sho's deodorant and the graceful curve of Sho's neck when he leaned over Jun's chair to review his homework answers.

2\. When Jun was nineteen and confused and upset, trying to find his place in a world that seemed intent on dragging him down even while it promised to lift him up. Losing janken and sliding to his knees so he could give Sho a blowjob in a dusty maintenance closet of the Jimusho was bound to happen at some point; it might as well have been smack dab in the middle of Jun's existential crisis.

3\. When Jun was twenty-one and on tour and followed Sho into his hotel room one night after Sho asked him, "Wanna see my slides for next week's T no Arashi?". Jun is still ashamed that he fell for that one.

4\. When Jun was twenty-six and itching to leave Domyouji behind for good, and somehow, in the sea of people all around him who lived the same crazy life, he thought Sho was the only one who really understood what it felt like to try and shake off an image everyone else seemed so eager to cling to. They did more talking than screwing that night -- about everything they'd given up to be where they were, about all the things they wanted to do but couldn't, and about how much Arashi meant to them in spite of it all, how the pain of sacrifice would never outweigh the love in their hearts. But there was definitely some screwing in there, too.

5\. When Jun was twenty-nine and thought he was way past the whole "I just want senpai to notice me" thing until Sho got that damn role on Kazoku Game, and Jun couldn't go a single night without revisiting one of his favorite adolescent fantasies, familiar and beloved but slightly updated: Sho, now clad in Yoshimoto's blazer and sensible jeans, pushing Jun face-down over a desk and touching him all over while he gasped "Sensei--!" on the edge of every breath. For teenage Jun, who had been jerking off with a dollop of shampoo for lube and trying to stay as silent as possible in the shower of his parents' home, that had been enough; adult Jun added a few frills here and there. On Monday, Yoshimoto-Sho yanked student-Jun's pants down around his thighs and spanked him to teach him about endurance. On Tuesday, Yoshimoto-Sho ripped off student-Jun's uniform tie and wrapped it around his wrists to teach him about patience. On Wednesday, Yoshimoto-Sho skipped the niceties and fucked student-Jun senseless because that was just what real-life-Jun felt like thinking about after the day he'd just had. He luxuriated in his satin-covered bed and thought dreamily about how far he'd come from his parents' shower.

He realized afterwards, in those inevitable moments of post-orgasmic shame, that if he was still defaulting to the same fantasy he'd used as a pubescent teenager, maybe he hadn't come very far after all.

~

It's 2014, summer is around the corner, and Jun swears Sho has been cocky for _months_ ever since he caught Jun checking out his ass during a costume change at AraFes. Despite the countless times Yoshimoto-Sho has fucked student-Jun in fantasies over the past year, it's been nearly half a decade since they last hooked up for real, and just as Jun starts to imagine himself starving in the middle of a sprawling desert, Sho comes around to circle him like a buzzard.

This is all just part of their game: Jun desires; Sho tempts; Jun abstains; Sho persists. Jun's high score is five years (though he thinks he should have earned double for all those years he resisted during puberty), and this time he's looking to break the record. Sho flexes at every opportunity and picks out the tightest pants wardrobe will give him; Jun looks away. Sho poses a perfectly innocent question wrapped around a double entendre; Jun changes the subject. Sho asks outright if Jun would like to accompany him home; Jun makes something up about having an album cover to sign off on.

Jun resists because something about Sho and the way their game works makes giving in feel like a loss, every single time. He resists because in all the years they've been doing this, he has never once woken up the next morning with Sho beside him. Because he has never once had an orgasm caused by Sho that wasn't followed by immediate and gut-wrenching shame, and that's including all the ones Sho wasn't even present for. And yet Jun keeps coming back, because even though he's come a long way from teenage lovesickness, there's still something about Sho that makes him crazy.

So when Sho comes on strong and Jun puts up every defense he has, Sho just smiles. He knows, just as well as Jun does, that Jun trying to resist Sho's stupid, clumsy, addictive charm is like trying to escape a black hole: it's just going to suck him in eventually.

~

As the summer drama season rolls around, Jun vies for something scifi-flavored, a little different from what he's done before, and is delighted when he not only gets the part but also finds that he'll be starring opposite Kitagawa Keiko. He's met her, of course, but despite some standard dating rumors, he's never actually held a conversation with her, just shared cordial greetings and variety-show small talk. All he really knows about her beyond those brief exchanges is her reputation as a carnivore woman, but he doesn't put much stock into that -- not when he's so familiar with all his own rumors.

When Sho hears about it, he assures Jun that he'll love working with Keiko. "You two have a lot in common," he says, smiling like it's a joke only he gets.

Naturally, he's right; working with Keiko turns out to be a good deal of fun. They're playing workplace rivals, and on the first day of filming, she's just like her character: distant, a little awkward in her straightforwardness and almost painfully polite. But as the days pass and they become more familiar with their characters and with each other, she opens up to him, joking between takes, chatting to pass the time as set pieces get moved around. Jun finds himself helplessly charmed by the gap between her professional, glamorous image and the casualness of her real personality -- the way she shows up to work in a T-shirt and a messy ponytail, the way she laughs boyishly without covering her mouth at all.

At the end of the second week, she invites him out for a round of beers after filming wraps up for the day, and he happily accepts. They talk about silly things that happen on set, their hopes for ratings, and what kinds of acting projects they might like to pursue in the future. When the conversation lulls after two beers, Keiko circles the frosty mouth of her glass with a fingertip and asks, "How is Sho-kun doing?"

Jun sips his drink and considers how to answer. _He's an infuriating tease_ would probably require more explanation than he's willing to provide. "Good," he says instead. "Busy as usual."

"Of course." She nods, not quite looking at Jun anymore. She seems to be contemplating something, so he lets her, drinking quietly as he watches her purse her lips in thought. She finishes off her beer and sets the glass down firmly, then slides her arm across the table as her eyes meet Jun's again. When she grasps his hand, he's a bit startled; they've been getting along, but this is the first time she's touched him out of character.

She asks, "Do you want to have sex?"

Jun chokes on his beer.

Her expression doesn't change as she watches him splutter and thump his chest, or when he finally manages to swallow and wheeze, "Excuse me?"

"I'm not asking you on a date or anything," she clarifies. "It'll be just like this -- two coworkers grabbing a couple beers after work. We're just helping each other blow off some steam."

Jun hasn't quite recovered. "You really are a carnivore woman, aren't you?"

"I'm not going to _eat_ you," she says, already sliding out of the booth, and lets the _Unless that's what you're into_ punchline go unsaid.

~

Keiko's apartment is closer, so they have the taxi drop them off there. The whole thing feels a bit awkward to Jun, but Keiko seems perfectly comfortable, smiling as she slips out of her shoes in the entryway, as she offers him a glass of water, as she leads him down the hall to her modest bed, barely big enough for the two of them.

She leaves the light on and kisses him to get the ball rolling, and by the time he's fully hard, he's forgotten all about how awkward it felt at first. It's been a while since he last slept with a woman -- since he last slept with anyone, really; no wonder he's been feeling so starved for Sho -- and he takes his time to savor the experience: he uncovers her body piece by piece, stripping away the red-and-white raglan and the black jeans she wore from work and her plain, mismatched underwear, studying every inch of revealed skin with his hands and mouth. He cups her breasts, thumbs over her nipples, kisses her smooth throat and her soft stomach, but before he can go any further, she pulls him up into a kiss and whispers, "I want you to fuck me." Jun is only too happy to comply.

There are condoms already waiting for him on the nightstand; she must have been planning this before she even left for work that morning. When he slides in, she gasps almost like it hurts, but she squeezes his waist with her thighs and meets his rhythm thrust for thrust.

Jun's not sure what triggers it -- perhaps it's the fading smudge of a hickey over her ribs that he knows he didn't put there -- but when she pushes him onto his back and climbs on top, sinking down onto him in one go, he finds himself thinking, _I wonder if Keiko and Sho have had sex._ It knocks the breath right out of his lungs.

They spent all that time filming together, and Jun's seen the way Sho smiles when he thinks about her, the way he refers to her without honorifics -- the way she asked about him back at the bar... Did she ever proposition him the way she did Jun? Did she ever bring him home? Jun is overwhelmed, suddenly and completely, by the image of Keiko and Sho, in her bed, just like this: Keiko riding Sho, his hands on her hips, on her breasts, with her long hair spilling over her shoulder as she leaned down to kiss him...

The real Keiko tightens a hand in Jun's hair and gasps, "Don't come," but it's too late.

As soon as he has the breath to speak, Jun is apologizing. Keiko rolls off of him with a sigh, and he hurries to tie the condom off so he can reach out to grasp her wrist, pulling her back before she has a chance to leave the bed. "I'm sorry," he says again when she looks at him over her shoulder, already reaching for her shirt in the pile of clothes on the floor. "I'll make it up to you."

She considers him for a moment, then lets the shirt go. She allows him to guide her backwards onto the pillows, and she cards her hands through his hair as he kisses his way down her body once again. This time she opens her legs for him, shameless and in control, and moans encouragingly when he uses his tongue to chase away the taste of latex from her skin and the lingering image of Sho from his mind.

~

He's afraid that things might be a little weird between them, if not because of the sex then because of the way Jun embarrassed himself, but Keiko remains impeccably professional in front of the cameras and as friendly as ever between filming. She treats him exactly the same as she did before, in fact, and that in itself is a bit worrying to Jun. Does that mean nothing has changed between them, that she doesn't want to meet with him again? Or did he perhaps misunderstand -- was it supposed to be a one-time fling right from the beginning?

He frets uselessly for a few days, apparently enough that the rest of Arashi notices. "Everything okay with your drama?" Aiba asks him one day in the VSA green room, glancing up from the leafy design Ohno is drawing onto his foot with a ballpoint pen.

"Yeah," Jun answers, "everything's great."

"The first episode's ratings look good," Nino says over the tinny sounds of his video game.

Jun only nods in response, momentarily distracted from his worry by the feeling of genuine gratitude that washes over him. He's thankful for the opportunity to work on this drama, for his talented costars, for the high ratings, for his thoughtful bandmates who care enough about him to check up on something like that...

And then, across the room, Sho asks, "Everything all right with Keiko?"

Jun's gaze snaps to Sho, who hasn't even looked up from the newspaper he's reading. Sho looks up to meet his eyes only briefly, as he turns the page, and then looks back down, one eyebrow raised almost imperceptibly. Jun schools his face into a neutral expression and asks, "Did she mention something to you?"

Sho shrugs, noncommittal. "Nothing specific. We were just talking about what it's like on the set."

So they do still keep in touch. Jun would press further if only he could think of something to say that wouldn't make his true intent painfully obvious. He lets it go, but the worry has returned, settling heavy in the back of his mind now that it's weighted with new questions about Sho. Does he know what Jun did? Does he know what Jun knows about him and Keiko, if Jun's even right about that in the first place? Or is Sho just screwing with him, trying to set him on edge so he'll be weaker to future advances?

Jun goes home that night and fumes, frustrated by the way he feels played by Sho, the way he doesn't know where he stands with Keiko. He paces his kitchen as he waits for his tea to brew and grumpily contemplates how much more peaceful his life might become if he were to take a vow of celibacy. But when the tea has been drunk and the bath has been drawn and Jun's mood has stabilized, he starts to remember all the moments sprinkled throughout each day, each week, that make him think: _This. This is why I keep coming back._

It's during Shiyagare when Sho tries some outrageous stunt and falls flat on his face, making Jun laugh harder than he has all day. It's when they meet to discuss the new tour and Sho walks in with three newspapers tucked under his arm and spends every spare moment responding to emails on his phone, and he still manages to contribute more to the discussion than anyone else. It's in the Music Station green room where Sho sends Nino and Aiba on a snack run because Jun has just arrived from practicing his solo choreography, he has a CM to film immediately after this, and somehow Sho knows, no questions asked, that a five-minute nap on the couch with Leader might be the only thing that can keep Jun going.

That's why Jun always loses, why he always forgives: because even when Sho is at his most sadistic, there will always be one more reason Jun loves him too much to stay away.

~

He's feeling better the next time he's on set, but as soon as he sees Keiko, he knows something is wrong. Today they're supposed to be filming an important scene, a turning point for the rival characters who finally see eye to eye, but Keiko shows up late and keeps flubbing her lines. No one is more frustrated by it than she is. When they finally break for lunch a few hours in, she gives Jun barely enough time to finish his bento before she sits down next to him, staring pointedly. He feels self-conscious under her gaze, like she's about to blame her mistakes on his shoddy performance the other night, but then she says, quiet enough that only they can hear, "Would you like to join me in the men's restroom?"

~

He goes in first to check that it's empty, and holds the door for her as she sneaks in after him. She hasn't prepared for this the way she prepared for that night at her apartment, but she doesn't seem deterred by the lack of equipment; she just backs him up against the row of sinks and squeezes the front of his jeans, where his eager dick is already starting to perk up. Then she's balancing on her tiptoes to kiss him, coaxing him into hardness. He holds back a moan and holds her closer.

After a few seconds, though, he turns them around until she's the one against the counter and pulls her hand away. He still wants to make up for last time. He keeps kissing her as he gets his hands under her ass and hoists her up onto the edge of the sink, and together they work to get her pants undone. Wardrobe has her in a pair of sinfully tight skinny jeans today, so even when they're peeled down around her knees, there isn't much room to work with, but it's enough for him to sneak a hand between her thighs and part her with his fingers. He ghosts the pad of his thumb over her clit, and at that she bites her lip around a moan, reaching up to grab his shirt, bunching up the fabric around his shoulders. She catches his gaze and nods, just once, answering the question before he even asks it.

He slides in with his middle finger first, crooking it gently to find the spot that makes her tense up and moan. "Have to be quiet," he says, voice low and close to her ear. "Someone could hear us."

It wasn't really meant to be sexy, but she clenches around him, her fingers tightening in his shirt. She looks up into his eyes and says, "More."

He doesn't know if she means his hand or his voice, so he tries both, slipping another finger inside her and applying more pressure to her clit as he whispers, "If they hear, they might come looking. Someone could walk right through that door." It's not true -- he saw her lock it -- but it makes her gasp, her hips starting to rock against his hand. She pulls him forward, close enough to nuzzle his throat, and presses her mouth against his skin to muffle the noises she's making as he keeps talking. "Anyone could see you like this," he tells her. "Would you want them to join in?" When that gets no reaction, he tries a different angle: "Or would you want them to watch?"

At that she moans, her hips jolting, and Jun thinks, _Jackpot._ He keeps going, telling her how anyone at all could come looking for them, could find her like this, could stand there and watch her fall apart. Her hands move up into his hair and she holds on as if it's the only thing keeping her upright. She just keeps asking for more, more, until he's got three fingers inside of her and is telling her how he'd spread her open so everyone could see the way he's filling her up, and when she comes, her thighs clamp down on his wrist and she pulls his hair so hard that he's the one who gasps. She keeps rocking against him, riding the aftershocks, until suddenly her thighs go limp and she droops against him with a sigh, her arms still curled loosely around his shoulders. He pulls his hand away as gently as possible and helps her down from the counter, careful not to touch either of their clothes before he has a chance to wash his hands.

"Thanks," she says, smiling lazily as she wriggles back into her jeans and zips up. She doesn't even ask if he'd like her to return the favor -- she just hooks her fingers in his belt loops and turns them around so he's back against the sink. Her hands slide from his belt to his zipper as she crouches down, her eyes never leaving his, even as she opens his jeans and teases his cock out through the slit in his briefs, even when she takes him into her mouth.

When he moves his hands to grip the edges of the counter, she pulls back enough to say, "You can hold my hair if you want." He's not sure if it's an invitation or a request, but he's fine with either.

With Keiko's mouth on his cock and her hair all wrapped up around his clean hand, with how far gone he is already from watching her unravel like that, it doesn't take long for Jun to come. He warns her with a tap on the shoulder and is a little surprised when she just starts working him faster, catching everything.

As he sags against the counter and catches his breath, she spits into one of the other sinks and rinses her mouth out. He follows suit and washes his hands, and afterwards, when they're both turning away from the counter, he kisses her. It's not something he planned on, but in that moment it feels right to grasp her wrist and pull her gently closer, to hold her face and stroke his thumb over her cheekbone as he presses his lips to hers. He worries for just an instant that she might push him away, but she sighs happily and returns the kiss, her hands drifting up to touch his waist.

When they part, he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and asks, "Is everything all right?"

"Just having a bad day," she says. "You know, one of those days that starts with your coffeemaker dying."

He can't help but laugh. "I'm very sorry for your loss."

She laughs along with him as they straighten up and check their reflections to make sure nothing is out of place. On their way out, back to the set, she touches his arm and says, "Really, Jun-kun -- thank you. I needed that. And if you ever need me to repay the favor..."

Jun can't hold back the grin that's spreading across his face. "I'll keep it in mind."

~

So they continue messing around, continue going out for drinks, continue working well together on the set, and whenever Jun thinks about it -- when he really _thinks_ about it, when he gets home at the end of the night and actually has time to process the day he's just had -- he's sort of amazed by what's going on. Sex with Sho always made things so complicated; the fact that sex with Keiko can be so simple and yet feel so good seems like a miracle.

And that's why he does it, truly: because it feels good, because he likes her, likes being with her, likes having an extra person he can trust instead of having to burden the other members who are spread just as thin as he is. But in those moments when he's alone and considering, he'll admit that a nice bonus of sleeping with Keiko is that it makes _not_ sleeping with Sho much easier. They're still playing their game, and he's still going for the record, and there are definitely still nights when he gets off to the thought of Yoshimoto-Sho assigning him some extra credit. But Jun finds that he has to depend less and less on some imaginary version of Sho when he has Keiko right in front of him.

Sometimes she doesn't even _need_ to be in front of him.

He's in the shower one night with a soapy hand on his dick and Yoshimoto's sinister smile on his mind, but he's exhausted after a particularly trying day, and delving into a fantasy proves to be too much effort. His thoughts end up wandering as he continues to stroke himself absentmindedly; he thinks about work and how many more songs they have to record, how many more dance steps he has to memorize, how many more scripts he has to read. But from the scripts, his thoughts drift to Keiko. Keiko and the way her ass looks in those yoga pants she sometimes wears to work. Keiko and the way her breasts look in the frilly peasant blouses wardrobe is always dressing her in. Keiko and the way her hair looks when it's wrapped around his fist as she sucks him off, when it's spilling over her shoulders as she rides him, when it's fanned out over the pillows as she arches underneath him and demands he give her more.

He's coming before he even realizes it's going to happen, his surprised moan echoing off the shower walls as he tries to hold himself up on shaking knees. He's gotten off to random images or scenarios before, sure, but he can't remember the last time he had a specific person in mind who wasn't Sho. He feels strangely proud about the whole thing; he's starting to think that, barring any unforeseen circumstances, he might actually be able to break that record of his.

~

As it turns out, the circumstance he did not foresee is this: Keiko ordering a round of beers after work and leaning across the table of their corner booth to ask, "You and Sho have had sex before, right?"

Jun groans. "Do you two gossip over the phone every night or something?"

"I don't know the details," she reassures him, laughing. "He only mentioned it because I told him about my threesome fantasy." She says it with such nonchalance, as if recalling a conversation they had about a movie she wanted to see. "He said it was something you might be interested in."

Something inside of Jun flares up at those words, a mix of fear and indignation and competitiveness he has long associated with Sho. That's just how Sho gets what he wants, always daring Jun, always offering up challenges Jun can't possibly turn away from.

"Well?" Keiko prompts. "Was he right?"

Jun thinks of how nice it would be to tell Sho to fuck off and mind his own business, how wonderful it would feel to resist indefinitely and never again give in to Sakurai Sho's wily charms, no matter how scorching hot the fantasies might be. Then he thinks of what those fantasies would look like with Keiko added in.

He can't say yes fast enough.

For once in his life, he leaves the planning up to someone else. Keiko tells him that she and Sho will handle all the details, and he doesn't hear about it again until he receives a message from Sho a few days later. The message contains only a setting and a time: Sho's apartment, late one evening in the middle of the following week. Keiko doesn't mention it at work, and neither does Jun. For that matter, neither does Sho, but for the next several days the smiles he flashes at Jun are even more maddening than usual.

It's almost enough to make Jun regret agreeing so quickly. Even though Keiko is involved, surely this will be going on the list of seductions, and Jun had been so happy thinking that he might be able to hold out just a bit longer than this.

But in the end, there's no turning back. That's a lesson he's learned very well from his time with Sho. All he can do now is move forward.

~

He arrives at Sho's house with empty hands and wracked nerves. Sho lets him in with a smile and leads him to the kitchen, where Keiko is already opening a bottle of wine beside three sparkling-clean glasses set out on the counter in a neat row. Jun didn't think to dress up, and from the looks of it neither did Sho, but Keiko's wearing a pretty, sleeveless blouse and a flowy skirt that sways around her calves when she moves. It's not much compared to what she wears for the camera, but compared to what she wears on her own... Jun is already starting to feel a bit short of breath.

They settle around Sho's circular kitchen table, already covered in tasty-looking Italian food Sho must have picked up before he got home. They drink their wine, and eat the food that tastes just as delicious as it looks, and despite how worried Jun has been, he's actually feeling pretty relaxed by the time they're clearing the table. Sho's on his best behavior, maybe for Keiko's sake, and the conversation stays light. When the table is clear and the dishes have all been rinsed and Jun asks if he can use Sho's shower, it really is just to freshen up and not because he needs to calm down, although Sho's decadent showerhead certainly does help loosen up whatever tension is left in his shoulders.

He doesn't want to appear presumptuous, so when he gets out of the shower, he puts his slacks and shirt back on, but he leaves his briefs and undershirt folded neatly on Sho's bathroom counter. As he walks down the hall, still toweling off his hair, whispering voices reach his ears. It's Sho and Keiko, their tones hushed but hurried -- what are they talking about? He hears movement in the kitchen, something more than just washing dishes, and then one of Keiko's quiet gasps.

Apparently they've gotten started without him.

The noises stop altogether, and Jun freezes at the end of the hall, unsure of what to do. When they pick up again, building slowly, he drops his towel and turns the corner into the kitchen to find Sho fucking Keiko against the front of the refrigerator, her flowy skirt hiked up around her hips. All Jun can do is stand there, stunned and unable to sift through the emotions piling up inside him, unable to decide whether he's feeling more startled or upset or turned on.

Keiko notices him first and moans out his name, locking her ankles at the small of Sho's back. When Sho looks over his shoulder to catch Jun's eye, he smiles.

Jun swallows hard and knows he's being played. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Sho just laughs.

Panic is starting to build in Jun's chest. He doesn't know what to do; this isn't the way it was supposed to happen, and part of him wants to just make a run for it, drive home -- but when he sees the way Keiko is looking at him, like he's the only other person in the room, he feels bolted to the spot. Even as Sho fucks her, she keeps her eyes on Jun, staring him down like she's daring him to stay, to watch, to act.

Under her smoky gaze, there's nothing else he can do: it's like his hand is moving beyond his control, her eyes following it inch by inch. When he reaches the zipper of his slacks -- the ones he's only wearing because he didn't want to appear presumptuous, for all the good that did him -- she finally closes her eyes, moaning, "Don't stop." She could have said it to either of them, but Jun feels it like she whispered it in his ear.

His skin is still warm and damp from the shower, and his dick is already halfway hard when he gets his fingers wrapped around it. It's a little too dry to be comfortable, but he doesn't care, just keeps going, keeps standing there in the doorway with one hand gripping the frame to stay upright. He jerks himself as he watches them, the way they move together, so different from what he's grown used to with Keiko. With him she's always in control, but with Sho she's wild, pulling his hair, scratching her short nails down his sides. Jun thought he saw her come undone that time at work, but that was nothing now that he knows she's capable of this. And Sho returns it tit for tat, biting her neck, pushing her blouse up to pinch her nipples hard enough to make her gasp and arch into him. He whispers something in her ear, too quiet for Jun to make out, but it makes Keiko shudder, her heels digging in to Sho's back.

Jun finds himself caught between warring desires: he wants to be the one to fuck Keiko crazy, to make her lose her cool, and he wants to be the one trapped underneath Sho, taking whatever Sho wants to dish out. All it takes is one fleeting image of himself, wedged between them, thrusting into Keiko while his body yields around Sho's cock, and Jun is coming.

Keiko comes only a few moments later, her voice rising as Sho fucks her through it, but by then Jun is already awash in his ritualistic post-orgasm shame. Suddenly he has a headache and a handful of come and no idea what the fuck just happened.

After Sho finishes and lets Keiko down, the three of them stand there and adjust their clothing, and this time it's not just Jun: things are definitely a little awkward. Jun leaves the room to go wash his hands, to put the rest of his clothes back on, and when he returns, Keiko and Sho are sitting at the table like nothing even happened. Sho's face is still a bit flushed, but his shirt is buttoned back up, Keiko's hair is swept back into place. When she sees him, she sits up in her chair, a look of concern crossing her features. "Jun-kun?"

It's a question he can't decipher. He sits down at the table and says, "That wasn't really what I was expecting."

Sho asks, "Well, what _were_ you expecting?"

~

It's a good question, Jun thinks to himself later, after he's driven home and taken another shower. What the hell _was_ he expecting? For Sho to play fair -- to be forthright? For the three of them to hold hands and roll around in some magically synchronized routine and have everything turn out fine in the end?

He goes back to work the next day feeling confused and upset. He's not angry with Keiko, but he doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. He remains professional, but he leaves it at that, reading scripts and responding to emails during breaks, heading out as soon as possible once filming ends. He treats Sho the same way, and the others notice but don't mention it because this is exactly what it's been like every other time Jun has given in, every other time he's lost, and everyone else knows by now not to get involved.

It goes on like this for two days before Keiko has finally had enough. She catches him when he's taking a smoke break, up on the roof where it's windy and chilly. She joins him where he's leaning against the railing and settles in beside him, her hair blowing around her shoulders. He makes it halfway through his cigarette before she finally asks, "Are you and Sho-kun okay?". When he just takes another drag, she nudges his arm with hers and says, "Are _we_ okay?"

He finally turns to face her, and at the distraught look in her eyes, all of his anger fades into the background. She's fidgeting, nervous for the first time since he's known her, and suddenly all he wants is to put her at ease. "Of course we're okay. I'm sorry I've been acting like a dick."

"I'm sorry too," she says, "for making things complicated."

Jun laughs bitterly, but it's not directed at her. "Things between me and Sho have been complicated for a long time. Trust me, it's not your fault."

She nods, understanding, and then catches him off guard when she leans to rest her head on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around her to hug her close, simultaneously surprised and charmed by the display of vulnerability.

She sighs into his jacket. "I'm just not very good at this messy relationship stuff, I guess. To me it's so straightforward. I like being with Sho-kun. I like being intimate with Sho-kun. I like being with you. I like being intimate with you. That's all there is to it."

"Mm. Must be nice."

She shrugs under his arm. "I don't understand why it can't be that simple for everyone else."

"Well, not all of us are carnivores."

She rolls her eyes and shoves him, laughing. He comes back to kiss her forehead, and to stub out his cigarette on the railing. "I think you're right," he says, watching the cherry glow and fade in the afternoon sun. "Maybe it really can be that simple."

After all these years spent playing games with Sho, after all the things they've done wrong, this almost feels like too much to hope for -- but at this point, anything would be better than trying to start a new chapter in their relationship when they can barely handle the one they're on now. He wishes he could change that night with Sho and Keiko, wishes he could change so much, and yet he knows, just as he always has, that there's no going back.

But he can't keep moving forward, and he can't stay where he is.

An idea is forming quickly in Jun's mind, something that's been a long time coming. He doesn't know yet if it'll work, but he knows that he has to try.

~

Sho arrives a little earlier than he said he would, but that's fine. Jun's been ready for this all day. He lets Sho in and offers him a drink, a snack, always a gracious host, but he doesn't waste any more time than that. "We need to talk," he says once they've settled on opposite sides of the living room couch. He's finally starting to learn that the only way to get what he wants from Sho is to be straightforward.

Sho props his elbow on the arm of the couch, the very picture of nonchalance, and says, "About Keiko?"

"About _us_." Sho starts to say something, but Jun continues, talking over him. "I'm done screwing around with you. I need you to be completely honest with me here."

"I've always been honest --"

"Then tell me, what do you want from this?"

Sho raises an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," Jun says. "What do you want? What are you trying to accomplish? Do you even care about me, or is it really just a game?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I care!"

"No, it's not 'of course.' _Of course_ you care about Arashi, but do you care about _me_?"

At that, Sho grows angry. He stands in a rush, looking for just a moment like he's going to leave before he thinks better of it and plants his feet. "I do this _because_ I care about Arashi," he says. "Or am I the only one who remembers that conversation?"

Jun feels as if he's just been slapped. He does remember that conversation -- remembers everything about that night, when they stayed up until the sun rose, talking about how the sacrifice would never outweigh the love. But he never even dreamed that Sho might have been talking about _him_.

"Of course I care about you, Jun," Sho continues. "But we were practically kids when we started this. We didn't know what we were doing. We were both terrified, we were both pissed off for different reasons, and things just got messy. This whole time, I thought that's why we've been doing this -- to keep things from getting messier."

"That's bullshit," Jun snaps, rising to his feet, bringing himself back up to Sho's level. "It's messy _now_. How is this any better than just trying to have a normal relationship like normal people do?"

"Because we're not normal people! It's too risky -- you know that just as well as I do. If we tried for more and screwed it up..." Sho trails off, losing steam.

"It's not like I'm asking you to go buy me a ring," Jun says. "I just want to be able to go to bed with you and not wake up by myself the next morning feeling like trash."

Those words seem to stun Sho. He looks at Jun with wide eyes, like he's seeing him for the first time. "Is that really how you feel?"

Jun looks away now, suddenly embarrassed. "Yeah," he mutters. "Every time."

Slowly, mechanically, Sho lowers himself back down into his seat and stays there, almost perfectly still. "I wish you would have told me that ten years ago."

Jun follows suit, dropping into his chair with a huff. "Me too."

With nothing left to say, the silence stretches between them. It feels stifling in its weight.

When he can't take it anymore, Jun clears his throat and says, "Maybe that's what we need. A fresh start."

Sho glances up at him, still not moving. "And how do we do that?"

"Let's just forget everything that's happened, forget what we're used to. We'll just start over. Does that sound doable?"

Sho nods, silent.

"Then let me ask you again: what do you want from this?"

For a long moment, Sho considers. He looks around the room, at his hands, at the floor, anywhere but Jun's face. But when he finally does meet Jun's eyes, his gaze is steady. He seems certain.

"I just want you."

To Jun, wandering the desert all these years as the buzzards circled overhead, those words are like a glass of cool water. Hearing Sho say that is all Jun has ever wanted, but now that he has it, he's not afraid to ask for just a bit more.

"I want you too," he says. "But I also want you to spend the night. Let me make you breakfast." Before Sho can say anything, he adds, "Not _every_ morning. Tomorrow morning. And we'll figure everything else out one step at a time." He laughs, half nervous and half giddy with the unfamiliar feeling of approaching victory. "We're clearly not very good at this, so we should take it slowly."

Sho laughs along with him, completely sincere. "That sounds like a good plan."

~

They move to the bedroom, but this time it doesn't feel like a loss. It feels like something else entirely.

They undress themselves and meet in the middle, feeling each other out with their hands and mouths, just like every other time. Sho doesn't feel quite the way Jun remembers him -- a little softer around the edges, perhaps. And yet Jun knows the Sho he's seeing now is the real Sho, the one he's been looking for, the one who's cared for him and wanted him all this time. It's the Sho who helped him with his studies even when he kept getting distracted -- the Sho who calmed him down when he was so angry at the world -- the Sho who really did care about whether or not he thought those stupid T no Arashi slides were funny -- the Sho who always, _always_ understood.

There are so many fantasies Jun has had over the years, so many different versions of Sho who have driven him mad with lust, made him give in even when he wanted so badly to hold out. None of them compare to this.

Sho makes him come twice: once with his mouth, perhaps making up for that un-reciprocated BJ in the broom closet all those years ago, and then again buried deep inside of him, with an arm snaked around Jun's waist to stroke him until he's crying out into the pillows. And in that first moment of post-orgasmic bliss -- there's no shame, not this time -- Jun thinks, _Look how far we've come._

~

As promised, Sho spends the night and lets Jun make him breakfast in the morning, moaning with his usual comically exaggerated enthusiasm about how delicious Jun's pancakes are. "Is this what I've been missing this whole time?" he asks, completely serious, then laughs when Jun smacks him over the head with a package of flour.

Jun watches Sho stuff his face and thinks about how he owes all of this to Keiko and her carnivorous straightforwardness. They're supposed to wrap up filming tomorrow night; he wonders what he can arrange between now and then to show how much he appreciates all that she's done for him.

Around a mouthful of chewed-up pancake, Sho asks, "What are you thinking about?"

Jun picks up his fork and smiles. "I just thought of something else I want."

~

After the wrap-up party, Jun invites himself to Keiko's apartment with promises that he'll make it worth her while. They're walking down the hallway from the elevator, laughing about the antics one of their costars had pulled earlier that evening, arms full with the bouquets they received from the staff, and when they turn the corner, Keiko stops. Jun doesn't have to look up to know what's waiting for them outside her door.

She glances back at Jun, then continues down the hall, already smiling as Sho graces them with one of his goofy salutes. "So," she says. "I'm guessing you two kissed and made up?"

Sho slips an arm around her waist and pulls her flush against him, the cellophane around the flowers crinkling noisily. "There's still plenty of kissing to do."

Jun moves behind her and takes the flowers, and she wraps her arms around Sho, leaning up on her tiptoes to kiss him. Hoisting both bouquets into one arm, Jun reaches with his free hand to brush Keiko's hair to the side so he can kiss her neck, gratified by the happy sigh she breathes against Sho's mouth.

From down the hall, they hear voices muffled on the other side of someone's front door, accompanied by the jingling of keys. Keiko gasps into the kiss, her hips twitching even as her hands scramble for her own keys in her shoulder bag.

They make it inside just before the neighbor comes walking down the hall. Keiko locks her door with a breathless laugh and turns to lean against it, staring them down. "I'm not offering you anything," she says. "We're going straight to the bed."

Sho is already halfway there. "Sounds fine by me!"

They follow him there, to the place where this new chapter in Jun's life first started, to the modest bed that Jun thought was barely big enough for the two of them -- and that was _before_ he tried to add another full-grown man into the equation. He's certain now that they'll find a way to make it work.

As soon as he sets the flowers on her dresser, Keiko pushes Jun down onto the mattress and climbs on top of him. She leans over him, her hair spilling around them like a curtain. "I didn't get nearly enough of you last time."

"You didn't get _any_ of me last time, as I recall."

Sho's voice comes from behind Keiko, where he's undressing. "But who's keeping track, right?"

Keiko kisses Jun before he can think up a comeback. He's so distracted by her mouth on his that he barely notices Sho crossing the room to scoop up the flowers and announcing, "I'm gonna go put these in some water." He does, however, notice the way Sho adds "my lady" onto the end, his voice firm but quiet, like he's used to saying it but not when anyone other than Keiko is there to hear it.

When he returns, presumably having found a home for the flowers without spilling or breaking anything, he continues to make himself useful by reaching between Keiko and Jun to undo the clasp on her pants. He hooks his fingers in the waistband and says, "May I, my lady?", prompting her to break her kiss with Jun so she can wriggle out of her pants and underwear as Sho pulls the whole bundle down off her legs in one go.

When she comes back to straddle Jun's hips, she pulls her shirt off and tosses it backwards to Sho, sparing a glance in his direction and telling him, "Get his off too." It is very clearly a command; apparently Jun isn't the only one with fantasies about drama characters.

In the next moment, all he can focus on is the wet heat where Keiko moves to settle her weight on his stomach, and the light, almost tickling feel of Sho's fingers undoing his slacks and working them down his legs along with his briefs. Keiko helps him get his shirt off, and he reaches behind her to unclasp her bra, and finally, all three of them are naked. Keiko leans down to kiss him again as Sho gathers things around the room, intentionally noisy as if he doesn't want them to forget he's there -- although that might be more for Keiko's benefit than Sho's.

Suddenly Jun feels the mattress dip, and then Sho's hands are on him, moving up his thighs to tease him. Another dip, and Jun moans against Keiko when he feels Sho's mouth on him, getting him wet enough to slip the condom on comfortably.

Keiko breaks the kiss as Sho sits up and takes her by the waist, pulling her backwards. Jun opens his eyes so he can see what she looks like when Sho guides her down onto Jun's cock.

They give her time to adjust, and after that she sets the pace, sitting up with her hands propped on Jun's chest so she can ride him, her hips moving sinuously over his. Sho stays kneeling between Jun's legs so he can touch her -- tickling his fingers up her sides to make her shiver, squeezing her breasts to make her moan, pulling her hair to make her cry out as he sucks on her pulse point. Jun watches all of this through half-lidded eyes, feeling pleasantly overwhelmed by the feel of Keiko moving on top of him and the sight of Sho worshiping her body right in front of him. The sounds she makes when he licks his thumb and presses it to her clit, letting her own movement do most of the work, only adds to the pressure slowly building inside of him.

He feels like he's been watching her for hours when he finally looks up to find that Sho is watching him in return. Almost as soon as their eyes meet, Sho looks away again, one of his hands disappearing from where it was toying with Keiko's nipple. He goes back to kissing Keiko's shoulder, and for a moment Jun thinks nothing is going to happen. Then he hears Keiko gasp -- and then he feels it: Sho's hand, Sho's fingers, two of them working into Keiko, fitting snugly right alongside Jun.

Keiko's entire body goes taut, a surprised moan spilling out from her open mouth. She arches against Sho, hips bearing down on Jun's cock and his thumb and Sho's fingers. She reaches back with one arm to tangle her fingers in Sho's hair, keeping his mouth on her, and the other arm reaches out blindly until Jun grasps her hand in one of his own. She's moving faster now, reduced to whimpers in between demands for more. They give it to her together; Jun thrusts harder, Sho works another finger inside, and then she's coming with a sob, clenching around them and gripping Jun's hand so tightly it hurts.

Sho gives her time to recover before he slips his fingers out, but they don't go very far. When they circle loosely around the base of Jun's dick, Jun can feel how slippery Keiko has made him.

Sho makes him come with short, firm strokes, his cock still mostly inside the tight warmth of Keiko's body. Afterwards, Sho gently guides Keiko forward, letting Jun slip out. They both laugh when Sho even ties the condom off for Jun. But then they hear another wrapper opening up, and then Sho's hands are back on Keiko's hips as he asks again, more quietly this time: "May I, my lady?"

She meets Jun's eye with a smile and says, "Since you asked so nicely."

He fucks her while she kneels over Jun, kissing him breathless and gasping into his mouth. When she starts to get into it again, Jun uses his fingers on her nipples and her clit. He's feeling sleepy and sated, but also grateful, deciding that he can work just a little bit extra to give them this: he keeps Keiko on the edge until Sho is there as well, and when they tumble over the threshold, they do it together.

Sho pulls out gently to tie off the second condom and fling it towards the wastebasket in the corner, barely making it in. Then he slumps forward, boneless, knocking Keiko down onto Jun and making them both yell at him while he laughs shamelessly.

Later, after they've all showered and brushed their teeth and Jun has checked that Sho didn't maim the flowers, they settle back onto Keiko's slim bed one by one and try to get comfortable.

"Maybe I should sleep on the couch," Jun offers.

To his left, Keiko scoffs. "I've slept very peacefully on this bed with four other women."

On the other side of Keiko, Sho perks up. "Please tell me you were all dressed as your Sailor Moon characters at the time."

Apparently Jun really _isn't_ the only one with drama-based fantasies.

~

In the morning, Jun makes breakfast while Sho starts on his daily stack of newspapers and Keiko sleeps in, probably glad to have the bed all to herself despite last night's insistence that they fit just fine. Jun and Sho don't talk much while Jun is cooking, but it's a comfortable silence; there's more that they need to discuss -- Jun isn't naive enough to think that fifteen years of bad decisions can all be fixed by two nights of great sex -- but nothing that needs to be communicated right now can be said in words. It's conveyed instead by the sizzling of the eggs in the frypan, the golden sunlight streaming in through the curtains, the static spark when Jun hands Sho a cup of coffee and their fingers brush.

Before long, Keiko is drawn from bed by the smell of food. She emerges from the bedroom wearing an oversized T-shirt and not much else, her hair swept up into a messy bun. She kisses Sho's shoulder before sliding into the chair next to him, and she kisses the back of Jun's hand when he offers her a freshly filled cup, and she doesn't say a word, just smiles and sips her coffee.

As Jun turns back towards the stove, he thinks about starting a new list: times Matsumoto Jun has spent the night with Sakurai Sho and Kitagawa Keiko and made them breakfast in the morning, and it really was that simple.

1\. When Jun was thirty and filming a drama and had to figure some things out, and Keiko helped him through it, and Sho was waiting for them on the other side.

It's a small list for now, but Jun is confident that they'll have plenty of opportunities to add to it.

**Author's Note:**

> If this were purely about Sakumoto's dysfunctional relationship, I would have gone with [Glassjaw's "The Number No Good Things Can Come Of"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4NrrNO4pas) instead of Ke$ha:
> 
>  
> 
> _Help me find the price of humility_  
>  As a matter of fact, you owe me some  
> As a matter of fact, you owe me  
> \- Your biggest fan


End file.
